So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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