god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
