cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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