Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
