Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We don't watch enough power rangers
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
