maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
