All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
