my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
And then he peed in my hair
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