Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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