I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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