you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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