Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
