I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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