I will die if light touches me.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm both gender and math confused
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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