you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
