Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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