Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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