Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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