You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
