i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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