why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
