You can't motorboat a personality
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
