Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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