You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
