she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
