So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
