the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
