I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
