he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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