Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
