The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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