Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
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