someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
we made out on top of his cat.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
