i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
