I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
