My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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