you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my shit smells like andre
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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