He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
