can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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