Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
