if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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