Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
