dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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