I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
