I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
