I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
