You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
