Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
