Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
