Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
