It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
